Foreboding joy

I am feeling so very blessed, content, loved, and utterly happy tonight.  Here are a few reasons why (in no particular order):

  • partook in yummy luncheon full of wonderful foods at LECC today, and Ethan and Becca delivered a fabulous fall salad as my contribution - wish I would've taken a pic, but it was a spring/baby kale mix with candied walnuts, sweet potatoes, bacon, apples, pecans, carmelized onions, blue cheese, and a pear/apple cider vinaigrette presented in an actual pumpkin "bowl"
  • was able to see one of my favorite people EVER while at LECC today, one I miss dearly who is married to another of my favorites, and who has shown so much love to our family
  • had a heart-to-heart with Lily at bedtime tonight, and I realized what a great kid she really is!  Some of you already knew that (and deep down I knew it, too), but we've been butting heads a lot lately.  It could be the irreverence she gets from Ethan or the stubbornness she gets from both of us...  On the other hand, Lily is so very sensitive, compassionate, intelligent, perceptive, hilarious, and beautiful, and she's showing her maturity more each day.  I'm looking forward to having more good talks.
  • looked at Becca's labs earlier this week, and I couldn't be happier.  Not only are her hemoglobin, platelets, and ANC at awesome levels, but her liver and kidney function seem to be in the normal range again finally!  Even better news for me, the overachiever or perfectionist (whichever term you prefer), her FISH engraftment test came back at 100% this week!!!  This means that the donor's cells have completely engrafted in her body, and no female cells are left.  We were hanging in the upper 99's, but I feel much better with 100%.  It is amazing to me what Becca's strong little body is doing, too - her eyelashes are back to their pre-chemo length and thickness, as well as her eyebrows, and her hair is growing incredibly fast.  She is also eating a few more foods (without the aid of medication), and her stamina and energy are continuing to go up each day.  I just soaked up my sweet, sassy girl at bedtime tonight.
  • was reflecting on recent Loveland and Kings events and feeling extremely loved and supported by so many friends: former and current students and coworkers of mine, fabulous library volunteers (both past and present), J.F. Burns teachers and classmates, and people who don't even know our family.  I am continually astounded by the caring and generosity of our community; it makes me proud to say I'm from Loveland.  A huge THANK YOU to all who coordinated, participated, attended, or helped in making these events such a success! Becca has become quite the celebrity lately, though, so I need to make sure it doesn't go to her head...
  • enjoyed talking and laughing with Ethan tonight after the girls went to bed.  Lately, we have been doing a lot of talking at each other (communicating details about who's doing what and when, who took which medication and when, who needs to do what and when, etc.).  Not exactly quality time.  The few minutes we had together tonight reminded me why I fell in love with him (what seems like) eons ago.  I am so thankful and lucky to have such a strong husband and friend to make it through these tough times.  Honestly, I don't know how I could do this without him.  Not only is he a good-looking man who can cook and make me laugh every day, but he is also a wonderful father who parents with humor and honesty.  We complement each other well.  When I am struggling, he is a rock and manages to bring me back up with his humor or thoughtfulness, and when his patience has run out, I give him the time he needs to de-stress by "killing nature" (Becca's term for hunting) or just getting away from the house for a little while.
So, I could probably add a few more items, but those are in the forefront tonight.  As I soaked in the tub this evening, thinking about how content and happy I was, I began to feel this sort of dread start to invade the warm, fuzzy feelings.  You know what I'm talking about... when everything feels right, and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I went to a conference last February and attended Brene Brown's keynote, in which she described this as "foreboding joy."  Not surprisingly, in her research she found that the antidote to foreboding joy is practicing gratitude.  As you can tell, I'm feeling pretty grateful tonight, and I wanted to share it with all of you, since you are the ones who have helped to make my gratitude possible.  Now I'm going to go to sleep to enjoy the joy...

P.S. Will try to post some pics soon!  

1 comment:

Bonnie said...

Love this post and so glad to hear all is going well!